Someday We’ll Find It, The Eyebrow Connection

We all know a girl with platinum blonde hair and jet black eyebrows. She’s probably named Alexis or some shit and her eye punctuation is totally fucked. Madonna made this look hot back in the 80’s but it never really sat right in my guts. I just don’t find Denis the Menace looking women to be attractive. Weird, I know.

There must be some way to dye your brows accordingly. I mean I’m no chemist but I do believe that the technology exists. It’s not that I need to be fooled into thinking that your bouffant is of a natural pigment, I’m just distracted by the fact that it is so clearly not. I can’t help but wonder what spurred you on to foresake your locks for a new hue to your do.

I’m sure the ladies will admit that changing their hair color is a bit of an identity reassignment. It’s not always a total overhaul, but it does denote some amount of internal change to match the external alteration. Consider first that there are 5 basic hair classifications and a whole caboodle of generalized perceptions assigned to each.

Blondes are vapid and bubbly with an air of gullible innocence. They’re thought to be “more fun” but the crux of that belief is founded on the assumption of “less smart”.

Brunettes (60% of women) are humbly common and demure. They’re the sweet prudes next door who almost never swallow seed.

Black haired femmes are shaft snappers, brooding and intense. They think sports are gay and they collect gay boyfriends (aka emo kids) for sport.

Redheads (3% of women) are confidently brash weirdos. For better or worse they draw a lot of attention and they are drunk with power.

Crayolas (unnatural hair colors found in the rainbow) are whores.

Now before any of you bitches freak out and call bullshit on these color classifications, remember that I am only referencing the broad stroke perceptions of your hue. I am not calling you a dumb whore, unless you have green hair, in which case I am.

What I am really after here is the different color combinations you can spot between bangs and brows and the judgements dudes can start to make about the nature of the transition. What do you get when a redhead goes blonde? What kind of hybrid are you working with when you see a blondie gone black?

To me its a simple x wanting to seem more y equation. Groundbreaking, right? It’s all in varying degrees but there is at least some truth to the notion that a brunette probably ambered up her locks to red so she would stand out a bit more. Maybe she goes platinum to give herself some spunk or she blacks it out in an effort to thicken the plot of her mysterious personality. She could also opt for green to reveal the insatiable gutter slut that lives inside of her. Whatever the case may be the start of the story is written on her face. They’re all still naturals underneath and the roots will always creep through over time but there is something to be learned in the space between 2 colors.

80’s Madonna was a black browed babe gone blonde and by the mid 90’s it was clear that the little dick wrecker had a real dark side. All that exhibitionism, bondage and Kabbalah shit just ain’t my cup of tea. But you didn’t fool me Marylin Monfaux, I knew you were a menace all along.

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